It's a damn cold night...

Forgiving is love's toughest work, and love's biggest risk. To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.
いつか失ってしまうのかな。薄れてゆく笑顔と君を守りたい。
-- D-technolife

If fate is a wheel, then we are the sand that is crushed between the cogs.

Don't judge a life by one difficult season.

独自并不代表孤单，在一群人中狂笑着有时更寂寞。
-- 吴庆康

At times it may not even seem rational, but the heart has a computing ability that is far more accurate and far more precise than anything within the limits of rational thought.
-- Deepak Chopra
于是我让孤独更孤独，有一种不是悲伤的悲伤，才是刻骨铭心的悲伤。
Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love.
-- St Francis.
People's actions are influenced by their expectations. People respond not just to what is happening now, but to what they anticipate will happen in the future.
-- Sloman
不管你会不会忘了我，我只想告诉你一个秘密。
--《不能说的·秘密》

Every action generates a force of energy that returns to us in like kind.
-- Deepak Chopra

The furthest distance in the world is not between life and death but when I stand in front of you yet you don't know that I love you.
-- Tagore
Do do not worry about tomorrow; it will have enough worries of its own. There is no need to add to the troubles each day brings.
-- Matt 6:34

まだ不器用に笑うね まだ悲しみが似合うから
キミに降る痛みを 拭ってあげたい すべて I for you
-- I For You

the optimistic pessimist

supposedly an adult, she thinks like an adult (too much, if you ask me). deep inside, she is nothing but a little girl, with her little lofty dreams and ideals. and oops, she is breaking them, one by one.
more often than not, she is just an angsty emo kid.

she is only but
a passer-by,

an onlooker,
a walking shadow.

and this girl can't stop writing.

she stalks

|| cyn bea bao zou mel ||
|| joan weepz ||
|| blockc yeanching lehia kexi zhenlin horace alvin dina sandra becca tzehee ||
|| cruzteng peifen dasmondkoh ||
|| xiaozhu xiaogui sunxiezhi ashin kangyong ||
|| derrick jinglun stefsun natho lawrencewong ||
|| feliciachin joannepeh jeanetteaw sharonaw ||
|| xiaohan hyr chimkang mingde dannyyeo ||
|| xuyunling alvinology mrbrown esther ||
|| drbondar psychdigest ||
|| kfdrawing iwrotethisforyou thingsweforget ||

After all, what is in the past but what we choose to remember? They can choose not to hide it, to take what's broken, to feel the pain and know that it will heal. They know where happiness lies, not in a cave or a country, but in love and the freedom to give and take what has been there all along.
-- The Bonesetter's Daughter

she watches on

Others desire to experience the blessedness of giving, but we often frustrate them by refusing their help.


“你有心事吗？”
“或许有一天，我会告诉你吧。”
--《不能说的·秘密》

she holds on

　Memories were also a way of looking in a mirror, but it was a jagged mirror of broken glass, one that cast imperfect reflections. Like shards, these memories drew blood.

February 2003 March 2003 April 2003 May 2003 June 2003 July 2003 September 2003 October 2003 November 2003 December 2003 January 2004 February 2004 March 2004 April 2004 May 2004 June 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 January 2012 February 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 August 2012 October 2012 November 2012 December 2012 January 2013 February 2013 March 2013 April 2013 May 2013 June 2013 July 2013 August 2013 September 2013 October 2013 November 2013 December 2013 January 2014 February 2014 March 2014 April 2014 May 2014 June 2014 July 2014 August 2014 September 2014 October 2014 November 2014 December 2014 January 2015 February 2015 March 2015 April 2015 May 2015 July 2015 September 2015 October 2015 November 2015 December 2015 January 2016 February 2016 March 2016 April 2016 May 2016 June 2016 August 2016 September 2016 October 2016 November 2016 December 2016 January 2017 February 2017 April 2017 May 2017 August 2017 September 2017 October 2017 November 2017 December 2017 January 2018 February 2018 April 2018 June 2018 July 2018 September 2018 October 2018 November 2018 December 2018 February 2019 April 2019 June 2019 August 2019 October 2019 December 2019 January 2020 February 2020 March 2020 April 2020 May 2020 July 2020 November 2020 February 2021 April 2021 July 2021 September 2021 November 2021 March 2022

she never gets

永远不会交的功课 || 永远不会实现的愿望

|| you ||

Responsibility means not blaming anyone or anything for your situation, including yourself... Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution.
-- Deepak Chopra

she thanks

Designer : Wei Jun
Brushes : Deviantart - Spy Glass

I don't know, I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm a pair of eyes and ears, and I'm just trying to stay safe and make sense of what's happening. I know what to avoid, what to worry about.I'm like those kids who live with gunfire going off around them. I don't want pain. I don't want to die. I don't want to see other people around me die. But I don't have anything left inside me to figure out where I fit in or what I want. If I want anything, it's to know what's possible to want.
-- The Bonesetter's Daughter

Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
Hebrews 11:1

Tuesday, September 30, 2003
withers away @ 8:50 pm

got back lang results... juz as i expected... hcl got A1.. eng got b4.... haha... my england v powderful mah... so lidat loh:P but today we went thru chem mcq... got 33 only loh...sure die... considering my paper 2 section b first qn lose 7 out of 10 marks... :'(
we r now seriously considering stuff tt we nv tot we would haf to consider: going into jcs that we dun exactly want... i'm even starting to think of polys... how..... everyone getting really depressed loh... diz is... suan le.. n we r going to haf sch all the way until prac os start.. tt leaves us practically no time to study loh... sighz... how?? n we haf so many sch's papers to do... i'm not saying tt it's bad to do other sch's paper n get more practice; in fact it's essential... but if i havent gotten the theory into my brain memorized, i dun see the pt... i'm doing the papers bcoz my teachers asked me to, n when i dunno how to do i check notes... but all i really remem r bits n pieces... like wad the principal says we haf no time to consolidate everything tt we've learnt... i really dunno loh... of coz no one is going to point a gun at me n ask me to go sch... but for once playing truant to study at home crossed my mind... dun tink i'll b mad enuf to do tt, unless i'm really despo, which i better not b... if i really do tt i'll probably b already on the brink of breaking down... oh god help me!

It's something Mystical

Monday, September 29, 2003
withers away @ 4:12 pm

to say the truth i'm really scared that my L1R5 will suffer... i don't want to unnecessarily stress anyone up, so i'm juz bottling up diz fear in me... hiya i always lidat one mah... thing is if i don't get into hcjc for the first round, i'll go into njc loh.. no big deal.. the big deal is after 3 mths, do i go to hc or do i stay in nj? i really dunno.... cyn is definitely going to hc... but don't ask me why i juz seem to b afraid of going in as 2nd intaker... juz feel v... i dunno.... i tink i feel v shi bai... hiya anyway... i tink i shouldn't get too paranoid... not the end of the world yet... only got back 2 subj out of 9 that i study... so... sigh.. nvm... suan le.... die den die loh.. later den see how:P

It's something Mystical

Saturday, September 27, 2003
withers away @ 10:09 pm

first, don't ask me why i wrote this... i'm juz mad. but this is the real me that ppl don't see.
is it better to lose something, or is it better to not haf it at all? can the happiness that was once felt compensate for the loneliness and helplessness that is felt forever after that? or is it better that it is kept in the heart, remembered and cherished, never daring to take that first step, for fear that others would not remember and cherish it like u do? i'm the latter... sad to say mebbe... because i noe there are some things that are just impossible, some things that ppl won't see it the way i do, no matter wad i do, or how much i try to explain. of coz, the happiness i once felt can warm my heart, but how far can the warmth continue? once the fire is gone, wad's left is only the ash and i juz hafta clear up the mess... who noes the most heartwarming action could become a never-ending hearbreaking pain? of coz ppl always say i hafta try first... if i don't try how would i noe? but the truth is i've tried so many times and i don't seem to haf succeeded any time... i seem to haf given up hope, and everything is only happening in my imaginations. some things are juz not meant for me.
i just heard this story on tv tonite... it's a story about happiness... one day, a puppy asked his mum: where is happiness? his mum replied: on your tail. so everyday the puppy chased his tail, but never got it. he was upset and asked his mum why. his mum said: you don't haf to chase it. juz walk forward, and happiness will follow you.
meaningful. mebbe i was just too paranoid. well when am i not?

It's something Mystical

Wednesday, September 24, 2003
withers away @ 9:24 pm

yoohoo finish prelims liaoz.... gotten the post prelim schedule... sighz.... dunno wad to do man... the emaths paper 2 today was barely manageable... i nearly freaked myself out halfway when i realized i better hurry.. den at the vectors qn i got so sian some parts i juz gave up on looking at the diag n went on to draw the 2 graphs... hiya sianz lah... dunno wad to do oso... juz slacked for the whole of today.. hiya gtg to slack liao k... :)

It's something Mystical

Tuesday, September 23, 2003
withers away @ 3:14 pm

YAY! left tml den i finish my prelims liao!!! den thurs no need to go sch... coz i dun take pure geog... at first i tot no need to go to sch liao.. budden still haf to leh....so sad... hiya budden my frenz n i r going out on thurs:) hiya so sian.. dun even want to study... coz tml is emaths paper 2... so i suppose can sorta slack loh... den tml come back i'm going to watch loads of tv.. i dun care... den i surf net oso... haha... i sure slack the whole of tml one loh... n tml only got emaths paper 2 so v fast finish haha... yoohoooooooooooooooooooo juz can't wait for tml to come... budden u see ah... fri n mon we only doing prac leh... 1 chem 1 phy 2 bio... hiyo....den we do prac frm 8 to 2 ah... hiya dunno... they oso nv say much.... but i'm afraid post prelim schedule would b v scary loh.... esp after the release of prelim results... hiya i dun even haf confidence to get a1 in any subj loh... after my failure in jap.... sighz dun mention it anymore SOBZ... sighz... i mean wad is over is over.. wad to do? cannot do a thing... so forget it..

It's something Mystical

Friday, September 19, 2003
withers away @ 11:18 pm

oh yah... lao gong ended up giving me her 5566 cd... haha.... :D

It's something Mystical

withers away @ 10:28 pm

it's been a long time ever since i last wrote here... alot of stuff happened *duh*... towards the end of prelims liao... n i'm dead. i tink i'm feeling so stressed about my prelims that i can't eat properly loh... esp my breakfast... i end up eating half of it only... n i don't wanna tell my mum.... don't wish to worry her about such stupid stuff... i feel like puking if i eat more loh... even dinner oso lidat... but last time not lidat... so i suspect it's bcoz of prelims.. argh.... wad the... actually i don't exactly feel the tension or wadsoever u noe... but somehow i tink my mind inevitably tink about it n get so stressed abt it until i will myself to become sick... argh.... now only haf 3 days of prelims left yay!! left chem, phy and emaths paper 2... toking abt emaths... argh... today we had paper 1 n it was horrendous.... when i saw who set the paper, i sorta told myself tt i had to do faster.... coz i nv exactly scored v well for the tests she set.... of coz it's not her fault lah... juz happened to b lidat... well anyway... i tink i can still survive lah... budden cyn couldnt finish the paper... n looking back on past experiences, she nv did pass the test she set.... how?? she cried... so sad... at first scare me man... coz i couldnt find her... later... worse setback...
we went to collect our jap results... i know tt i may not get a nice A1, coz i knew i flunked my listening... cyn tot tt she would flunk her compos... ok... den on the bus i said tt even if i flunked, i dun tink i'll b so clever to get a B3... if i get a B3, i would go out n get knocked down by a car! lo n behold...
i got wad... 69.2!!!!!!!!!!! i miss by 0.3marks to get an A2 loh!!!! wah lao... of coz i didnt go n get knocked down by car... if not i wouldnt b writing diz *obviously* but i really wanted to kill myself argh.... as expected i flunked my listening... i didnt do v well for the rest of the sections too... i didnt dare to tell my mum tt there were ppl who scored a little over 80... given my character i didnt cry but... oh nvm... it juz seems tt my whole world came crashing down on me when i saw the marks... i tink i was into self-denial when i first saw it... so didnt haf much of a reaction... den later the fact slowly sank in... i felt totally devastated bcoz in my whole life of studying jap, i had never fell into an A2, let alone a B3....n it muz fall into a B3 in my prelims!! i wanna get into hcjc right frm the start... so many factors r pushing me to do tt loh... argh.... n my seniors had to get an 8 b4 getting in... at this rate... mebbe i shld lower my standards... how??

It's something Mystical